"MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
OUR SIXTH GRADE GRADUATION PROGRAM?
AUSTIN, HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE THIS?
MY PARENTS KEPT EVERYTHING OF MINE.
EVERY REPORT CARD, EVERY BABY TOOTH,
EVERY UMBILICAL CORD...
PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THAT FELL OFF OF ME.
AWW, YOUR FAMILY WAS SO...
WEIRD.
( chuckles ) THEN WHY WERE YOU
ALWAYS OVER AT OUR HOUSE?
BECAUSE YOU HAD FOOD
AND SOBER PEOPLE.
LIKE I SAID, WEIRD.
( laughs )
WELL, IT WAS SO GREAT CATCHING UP WITH YOU, MEL.
HEY, YOU FREE FOR LUNCH TOMORROW?
DEPENDS.
ARE YOU GONNA TRY TO GET ME TO SNORT MILK OUT OF MY NOSE LIKE IN THIRD GRADE?
- ABSOLUTELY. - I'M IN!
DON'T WEAR SUEDE.
- GOTCHA. - OH, HEY GUYS.
JOE, THIS IS AUSTIN.
Mel: MY BEST FRIEND GROWING UP.
HIS BANK JUST TRANSFERRED HIM BACK TO TOLEDO.
I USED TO LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MEL.
THE SOBER FAMILY.
WITH FOOD.
YOU SEE THERE? THE LEGEND LIVES ON.
( chuckles ) IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, JOE.
- SAME HERE. - I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
( quietly ) YEAH.
( door opens )
( door closes )
WOW.
WHAT "WOW"?
OH, NOTHING. IT'S JUST, UH,
I THINK I'M SEEING A RELATIONSHIP START TO...
HOW DO I PUT THIS?
EXPLODE.
OH, PLEASE. ME AND AUSTIN?
NO, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE BABIES.
WE RODE BIKES TOGETHER, WE PLAYED "CANDY LAND."
OH, SO HE KNOWS THE PATH TO YOUR GUMDROP MOUNTAINS?
CLASSY, LONGO.
A COUPLE OF CHILDREN WHO WERE LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER,
AND YOU HAVE TO GO AND MAKE IT DIRTY.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS TOTALLY PLATONIC.
YEAH, SURE, FOR LIKE...
ANOTHER 10 MINUTES.
HOW'D YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH AUSTIN AGAIN AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
FACEBOOK.
ARE YOU... ( scoffs )
WHO FRIENDED WHO?
WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW, IF YOU LOOKED HIM UP,
IT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN OUT OF CURIOSITY.
BUT, COME ON, AUSTIN'S A GUY.
I MEAN, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE WAS WONDERING,
"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT CUTE GIRL I USED TO PLAY 'DOCTOR' WITH?
'CAUSE, BOY, IT WOULD SURE SUCK TO HOOK UP WITH HER."
SO IN YOUR SAD MUSCULAR WORLD,
MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T BE FRIENDS?
NO NO NO, THEY CAN BE FRIENDS.
YEAH. I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT EVERY GUY WANTS TO HEAR, YOU KNOW?
"LET'S BE FRIENDS." ( chuckles )
A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH ZERO CHANCE OF HAVING SEX.
THAT'S THE DREAM.
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
- ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
- ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪
♪ WITH ME ♪
- MORNING. - MORNING.
YOU DON'T GET DRESSED ANYMORE?
I'M HOMESCHOOLED.
A STAINED BATHROBE IS THE OFFICIAL UNIFORM.
AND "NO FREAKIN' WAY" IS THE OFFICIAL REACTION.
AS YOUR HOME SCHOOL PRINCIPAL, I'M CHANGING THAT.
- GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ON A SHIRT AND TIE. - BUT...
ONE MORE "BUT," YOU'RE GONNA GET A CREW CUT.
IT'S JUST LIKE PRISON, WITHOUT THE AWESOME SOCIAL LIFE.
NICE WORK. I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I HIRED YOU.
YEAH, I LIVE FOR THAT STUFF.
HEY. I'M MAKING MONEY ON THE INTERNET
WITHOUT HAVING TO DO ANY ACTUAL WORK.
THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR A TEENAGE GIRL SAY.
IGNORE HIM. GO ON.
RELAX, IT'S NOT SKEEZY.
THIS INTERNET AD AGENCY FOUND A SPONSOR FOR MY BLOG,
AND THEY'RE SENDING ME AN ADVANCE FOR THE FIRST THREE MONTHS OF THEIR AD.
THERE YOU GO. THAT'S MY LITTLE CAPITALIST.
CONGRATULATIONS. WHO'S THE SPONSOR?
TAKE A LOOK.
( cheery music playing, whistling a tune )
THAT'S SO CUTE. LOOK AT THOSE LITTLE TOP HATS.
WHAT'S THAT? SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE PROM?
KIND OF. KEEP WATCHING.
TOP HAT...
CONDOMS?
YEAH, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
IT TARGETS THE EXACT AUDIENCE I DELIVER THROUGH MY WEBSITE.
AND KA-CHING... ( chuckles )
SOMEBODY BUYS HERSELF A NEW PHONE.
I'M GONNA LET YOU HANDLE THIS ONE, BURKE.
LOWER THE BOOM.
HAPPY TO.
NICE WORK, LENNOX.
THANKS, AUNT MEL.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA LOWER THE BOOM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU LOWER THE BOOM?
WHAT? WE SHOULD BE PROUD OF HER.
IT'S A PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE BUSINESS
AND IT PROMOTES RESPONSIBILITY.
IT PROMOTES DOING IT.
FOR GUYS, SAYING "HELLO" PROMOTES "DOING IT."
BESIDES, SHE'S MAKING MONEY, JOE.
- THINK OF THE MONEY. - I...
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT ACTUALLY IS KINDA HELPING.
OH, BY THE WAY, I WON'T BE HOME TONIGHT.
AUSTIN AND I ARE GONNA GRAB A BITE.
OH.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GONNA HAVE LUNCH.
WE SWITCHED IT TO DINNER.
REALLY?
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
DINNER'S JUST LIKE LUNCH.
YEAH, NO NO NO. IT'S, UH, JUST LIKE LUNCH.
YOU KNOW, EXCEPT IT'S MANY MANY...
MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY HOURS LATER,
AND A LOT CLOSER TO, UM...
( whispering ) BEDTIME.
SO CAN YOU MAKE ANY WORD SOUND CREEPY,
OR JUST ( whispers ) "BEDTIME"?
AUSTIN IS NOT INTO ME. WE'RE FRIENDS!
IF YOU WANNA FIND OUT IF A FRIEND'S INTO YOU OR NOT,
YOU JUST LOOK INTO THEIR EYES...
DEEPLY.
AND IF THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY,
THEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY'RE INTO YOU.
WOW, LOOK AT THE TIME. I GOTTA GO TO WORK.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
YOU EVER TELL AUSTIN ANY WORK STORIES?
YEAH. SO?
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN TEST HIM.
IF HE KNOWS MORE THAN 10% OF THE PEOPLE THAT YOU WORK WITH,
THEN HE'S INTO YOU.
'CAUSE GUYS ONLY LISTEN TO WORK STORIES WHEN
THEY'RE TRYING TO RACK UP FREQUENT BOOTY POINTS.
WELL, ACCORDING TO YOUR THEORY, YOU'RE INTO ME.
BECAUSE I TELL YOU WORK STORIES ALL THE TIME.
I DON'T RETAIN ANYTHING YOU SAY, NOTHING AT ALL.
GO AHEAD, TEST ME.
NADINE. THIRD FLOOR.
WHO IS SHE?
NOT RINGING THE FAINTEST OF BELLS.
COME ON, I TALK ABOUT NADINE ALL THE TIME.
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW NADINE?
YOU KNOW, BURKE, IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS NOW,
SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW.
WHEN I LISTEN TO YOU, MOSTLY I HEAR...
( imitates static )
YO.
WHAT THE...?
YOU SAID SHIRT AND TIE.
A LITTLE MORE OF THE STUDENT BODY
THAN YOU WANTED TO SEE, HUH, JOE?
- MEL? - HUH?
YOU SEEM A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING
NADINE SAID TO ME TODAY AT WORK.
YOU REMEMBER ME MENTIONING NADINE, RIGHT?
TO BE HONEST, I'M NOT GREAT AT NAMES.
OH, YEAH. I DON'T CARE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER WHETHER YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION.
MAKES NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL TO ME.
HOLD ON. NADINE?
SWEATS A LOT?
FALLS ASLEEP AT BUDGET MEETINGS?
TOUCHES ALL THE BAGELS?
WOW.
YOU'RE AN AMAZING LISTENER.
THESE AREN'T JUST TO HANG SUNGLASSES ON.
SO, WHAT'D NADINE DO NOW?
WELL, SHE SHOWED ME SOMETHING TODAY.
SOMETHING I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY ABOUT.
- YEAH, WHAT? - WELL... ( sighs )
HERE IT GOES.
ROSE FOR YOUR LOVELY LADY?
OH, SHE'S NOT MY LADY.
NO, NOT EVEN CLOSE. NO. JUST GO.
GO! THAT COUPLE OVER THERE NEEDS AN AWKWARD MOMENT.
UM, SO, NADINE SHOWED YOU SOMETHING?
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT TURNS OUT I'M NOT YET CONVINCED.
HEY, DID YOU BRING THAT PHOTO ALBUM?
I AM DYING TO SEE SOME OF THOSE OLD PICTURES OF US.
OH, YEAH. I COULDN'T FIND IT.
BUT I'M STILL LOOKING.
AND LOOKING...
DEEPLY.
I THINK I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
STARING CONTEST!
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BURKE. YOU COULD NEVER BEAT ME AT THIS.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING... STARING CONTEST.
( laughing )
UH! I LOSE. OH, WELL.
HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
UM, I DON'T KNOW. I JUST...
HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE I CAN JUST HANG OUT WITH.
LIKE THIS?
YEAH. LIKE THIS.
JOE THINKS WE MAY BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.
AND I THINK HE MAY BE RIGHT.
AT LEAST I HOPE HE MAY BE RIGHT.
OKAY. UH...
THAT DIDN'T GO WELL AT ALL. ( chuckles nervously )
I'M JUST GONNA CLOSE MY EYES AND COUNT TO 50.
AND WHEN I LOOK UP, YOU'LL BE GONE
AND WE WON'T SPEAK FOR A FEW MONTHS.
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, AFTER A WHILE,
WE'LL GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS
AND PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
- ( breathes deeply ) - MEL?
A ROSE FOR MY LADY.
I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT DUMB, SWEATY BITCH NADINE.
HEY, JOE.
♪ SMILE ♪
NOW WHEN YOU CALL ME, I WILL SEE YOUR SCOWLING FACE
IN HIGH DEFINITION WITH RETINA DISPLAY.
YOU KNOW, NOT THAT I'M MATERIALISTIC,
BUT.. ♪ I LOVE MY NEW PHONE ♪
THAT YOU BOUGHT WITH CONDOM MONEY.
EXACTLY.
GOOD OL' AMERICAN CONDOM MONEY.
WHICH I EARNED DOING THE KIND OF BUSINESS ACTIVITY
YOU USUALLY ENCOURAGE.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TYPE OF BUSINESS ACTIVITY
YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING WITH THOSE ADS.
YEAH, SURE SURE SURE. JUST HOLD ON.
( exhales ) LET ME GET READY.
( rock music playing through headphones )
WHAT ARE YOU...?
( loudly ) OKAY, GO.
HEY. I FOUND THAT OLD PHOTO ALBUM AUNT MEL'S BEEN LOOKING FOR.
JOE, CHECK THIS OUT.
WHAT?
AUNT MEL MAKING MUD PIES FOR AUSTIN.
PROBABLY THE MOST EDIBLE THING SHE'S EVER COOKED.
WHAT'S THIS PICTURE OF AUSTIN DOING IN HERE?
I THOUGHT THOSE WERE ONLY CHILDHOOD PHOTOS.
THAT'S NOT AUSTIN. THAT'S, UM,
THAT'S GRANDPA RUSSELL.
HE MUST BE ABOUT THE SAME AGE AUNT MEL IS NOW.
MEL'S DAD LOOKS JUST LIKE AUSTIN.
I GUESS SO.
RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S AUSTIN AS A KID.
WITH HIS FAMILY.
THE BLONDE KID SURROUNDED BY
THE SWARTHY-LOOKING PEOPLE
WITH THE BLACK, CURLY HAIR AND THE GLASSES?
YEAH.
MAYBE HE WAS ADOPTED.
WELL... ( clears throat )
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE P.E. OUT IN THE DRIVEWAY.
PLAYING A LITTLE GAME OF ONE-ON-NONE.
GOT A GREAT WINNING STREAK GOING.
SURE. OKAY.
( door closes )
YEAH, MAYBE... MAYBE HE WAS ADOPTED.
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE AUSTIN LOOKS
EXACTLY LIKE MEL'S DAD
AND THEY LIVED NEXT DOOR TO AUSTIN'S...
VERY ATTRACTIVE MOTHER... ( chuckles )
AND MEL'S DAD HAD A WEAKNESS FOR LADIES.
THERE'S NO REASON TO JUMP TO ANY CONCLUSIONS.
I MEAN, MEL AND AUSTIN ARE JUST FRIENDS
HAVING DINNER RIGHT NOW
BEFORE, UH...
BEDTIME.
WHATEVER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, IS IT DONE YET?
IT BETTER NOT BE!
OR YOU MIGHT HAVE COUSINS WITH TAILS.
( romantic acoustic guitar music playing )
SO ARE WE REALLY GONNA RISK OUR FRIENDSHIP
FOR A STUPID LITTLE...
UNBELIEVABLY HOT MUTUAL ATTRACTION?
WELL, WE COULD KEEP TRYING TO TALK EACH OTHER OUT OF IT
BACK AT MY PLACE, WHICH HAS A BEAUTIFUL VIEW OF THE CITY AND NOBODY ELSE THERE.
OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOVELY PLACE TO GET ALL REASONABLE ON EACH OTHER.
YO!
GUYS!
JOE. YOU'RE HERE.
IS THIS... I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?
WHAT A SMALL WORLD, HUH?
( chuckling )
YOU GUYS USING THIS CHAIR?
I'M GONNA TAKE IT ANYWAY.
WOW, THIS IS AMAZING. LOOK AT THIS, HUH?
TWO BEST BUDS HERE HAVING DINNER.
AND NOTHING ELSE.
WAITER. ( snaps fingers )
CAN I GET A MENU PLEASE?
I'M GONNA JOIN MY TWO PLATONIC FRIENDS.
AS LONG AS YOU GUYS DON'T MIND.
WELL, ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
YOU'RE JUST LEAVING? OH, MY GOODNESS.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS THEN?
AUSTIN, IT WAS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.
MEL, I'LL SEE YOU, WHAT, AT THE HOUSE IN TWO, THREE MINUTES?
GIVE ME A SEC. JOE?
ABOUT ME AND AUSTIN... THERE IS SOMETHING MORE.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
NO NO NO NO NO NO. I'M... I'M...
I'M NEVER RIGHT.
I WAS TOTALLY BLIND, LONGO.
SO BLIND NOT TO SEE THAT THE PERFECT GUY WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'RE GONNA GO BACK TO HIS PLACE.
NO! NO! YOU, UH...
YOU, UH, CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
LET ME THINK.
BECAUSE... BECAUSE THERE'S A... THERE'S A...
A SITUATION AT THE HOUSE. ( inhales sharply )
IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY DEAL.
VERY VERY CLOSE FAMILY.
CLOSE THAN YOU'D, UM, THINK.
OKAY, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
LOOK, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DEAL WITH.
- YEAH, BUT... - I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
- SEE YOU. - A ROSE FOR YOUR LADY?
WHAT? NO. GOD, NO. SHE'S NOT MY LADY.
I'LL TAKE ONE.
OW.
HE'LL PAY FOR IT.
"CHARGES OF UNFAIR LABOR PRACTICES
AND 16-HOUR SHIFTS WITHOUT BATHROOM BREAKS
CONTINUE TO BE LEVELED AT THE SHINWONG FACTORY WHICH MANUFACTURES MANY PRODUCTS..."
"INCLUDING..." ( key clicks )
"TOP HAT CONDOMS."
( sighs ) HOW DID YOU FIND THIS STORY?
YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS SEARCHING.
JUST KNOW THAT I FOUND IT, OKAY?
( groans ) THIS IS AWFUL.
I CAN'T BE INVOLVED WITH THESE PEOPLE.
SO YOU'RE GONNA GIVE THE MONEY BACK?
I CAN'T.
I SPENT IT ON THIS, AND I LOVE IT.
OH, YEAH. YOUR NEW PHONE.
YOU SPENT ALL YOUR INTEGRITY ON IT.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
YOU'RE PATHETIC.
TRUE, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT PAYING
A BUNCH OF CHINESE PEOPLE THREE CENTS AN HOUR
SO I CAN AUTO-TUNE MYSELF SINGING "GANGNAM STYLE."
SO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT YOU HAD TO GO AND DESTROY MY DATE?
RYDER FOUND YOUR OLD PHOTO ALBUM, OKAY?
WHAT DO YOU SEE THERE?
A PICTURE OF MY DAD WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.
MM-HMM. WHO DOES YOUR DAD LOOK LIKE?
MY DAD,
BUT YOUNGER.
COME ON! YOUR DAD LOOKS JUST LIKE AUSTIN.
- LOOK AT THAT. - WHAT?
WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE.
WAIT.
ARE YOU SAYING
I HAVE A "DADDY THING"?
NO, I'M SAYING...
YOU MAY HAVE A "BROTHER THING."
OH, MY GOSH. I TOTALLY GET IT.
YOU'VE COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. JUST HEAR ME OUT.
HEAR ME OUT, OKAY? LOOK LOOK, YOU AND AUSTIN GREW UP
RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER WHEN YOU WERE KIDS, RIGHT?
WE ALL KNOW YOUR DAD HAD A THING FOR LADIES THAT...
WEREN'T YOUR MOM.
ALL RIGHT, AUSTIN LOOKS JUST LIKE YOUR DAD
AND NOTHING LIKE HIS OWN FATHER.
I MEAN, COME ON, BURKE, I HATE TO SAY THIS,
BUT I THINK... I THINK YOUR DAD
MIGHT HAVE GONE OVER TO AUSTIN'S HOUSE
AND, UM, BORROWED SOME SUGAR.
THAT'S CRAZY! AUSTIN'S PARENTS ARE STILL MADLY IN LOVE.
ALL RIGHT, DO ME A FAVOR. JUST ASK YOUR DAD IF HE EVER HAD AN AFFAIR
WITH AUSTIN'S MOM, OKAY?
OH, YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.
MY DAD'S ALWAYS BEEN VERY TRUTHFUL ABOUT ALL THE CHEATING HE'S DONE.
BURKE BURKE.
( stammering ) THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
THIS COULD BE LIKE... LIKE "STAR WARS" ALL OVER AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY. COME ON.
YOU KNOW, LUKE LIKED LEIA, AND THEN LEIA KISSED LUKE.
AND THEN THEY FOUND OUT THEY WERE BROTHER AND SISTER,
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "OH, GROSS. IT NEVER HAPPENED."
SO IN YOUR WORLD, I'M LEIA?
- AUSTIN IS LUKE. - MM-HMM.
RUSSELL'S DARTH VADER. SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?
HAN SOLO?
I DIDN'T ASK TO BE THE COOLEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.
IT JUST HAPPENED.
BUT, LOOK, I GOTTA SAY... I MEAN...
( scoffs, sighs )
I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
SERIOUSLY. COME ON, BURKE.
YOU HAVE NO DOUBT IN YOUR MIND AT ALL
ABOUT THE WHOLE BROTHER-SISTER THING?
NO. NO DOUBT.
I MEAN, MAYBE LIKE THIS MUCH DOUBT.
SURE IT'S NOT LIKE...
- THIS MUCH DOUBT? - NO. THIS MUCH.
YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT MUCH DOUBT?
BECAUSE I THINK ANYTHING MORE THAN THIS MUCH DOUBT
IS TOO MUCH DOUBT.
WELL, I CAN'T ASK MY FATHER.
I CAN'T ASK AUSTIN.
YOU GOT ANY OTHER BRILLIANT SUGGESTIONS?
I DO. READY?
D.N.A. TEST.
D.N.A. TEST?
YEAH, HOW DO YOU SLIDE THAT INTO A DATE?
BETTER FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE GETS SLID IN.
OH. OKAY.
I'M THE BAD GUY. FINE.
GO SLEEP WITH YOUR BROTHER.
I DON'T CARE.
"THE SIBLING D.N.A. TEST CAN DETERMINE WHETHER...
TWO INDIVIDUALS SHARE ONE OR BOTH PARENTS."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A D.N.A. SAMPLE FROM AUSTIN WITHOUT HIM FINDING OUT?
I'M GONNA TELL YOU. "D.N.A. SAMPLES CAN BE OBTAINED THROUGH
- CHEEK SWABS..." - YEAH, THAT WON'T RAISE ANY SUSPICION.
- "...TISSUES WITH MUCUS..." - NEXT.
- "...BLOOD SAMPLES..." - NEXT.
- "...SEMEN..." - NEXT NEXT NEXT.
"...OR A HAIR SAMPLE."
REALLY? YOU COULDN'T JUST START WITH THAT ONE?
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU KEPT PUTTING OFF OUR DATE,
I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WERE HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT US.
NO. SILLY.
HEY, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE SHAGGY BACK HERE.
DO YOU MIND IF I GIVE YOU A TRIM?
ACTUALLY, I'M TRYING TO GROW IT OUT.
NO NO NO NO NO. I REALLY LIKE IT SHORT.
( gasps ) LOOK, WHAT I'VE GOT.
( chuckles ) NO, SERIOUSLY.
- I GOT A GUY I GO TO. - OH! LOOK.
MUCH BETTER. YEAH.
IT WAS JUST A LITTLE COWLICK THING.
MORE WINE? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I GOT IT. A GOOD THICK LOCK.
OH. MAN, I'M SLICK.
TOTALLY DISTRACTED HIM WITH MY CLEAVAGE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
THE D.N.A. SAMPLE.
IT CAN'T BE CUT HAIR.
YOU HAVE TO PULL IT OUT SO THEY CAN TEST THE FOLLICLE.
PULLED OUT?
YEAH. BY THE ROOTS.
OW. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD DO IT WITHOUT YOU NOTICING.
THIS IS NOT GONNA BE EASY.
COME ON, GIRLS. WE GOT WORK TO DO.
( clears throat )
- HEY. - WHERE'S THE WINE?
- HUH? - YOU WERE GOING TO GET US MORE WINE.
OHH. YEAH.
- YOU AND YOUR ADORABLE LISTENING. - ( chuckles softly )
OW! WHAT WAS THAT?!
OH, I'M SO SORRY. IT GOT CAUGHT IN MY RING.
YOU'RE NOT WEARING A RING. LOOK AT HOW MUCH HAIR YOU PULLED OUT.
I'LL JUST GO THROW IT AWAY IN THE SPECIAL...
HAIR WASTEBASKET IN THE OTHER ROOM.
MEL. MEL.
LOOK, I KNOW SOMETHING'S GOING ON.
NOW WHAT IS IT?
IT'S... ( sighs deeply )
IT'S... IT'S JOE AND HIS DERANGED LUNATIC THEORIES!
HE TAKES THIS MUCH DOUBT, AND HE PRIES IT UP UNTIL IT'S THIS MUCH DOUBT.
HE'S... HE'S A DOUBT PRIER. JOE IS MRS. DOUBT-PRIER!
OKAY, SO WHAT IS THIS CRAZY THEORY OF HIS?
( sighs deeply )
THAT MY DAD... GET THIS...
COULD BE YOUR DAD.
WHICH WOULD MAKE US BROTHER AND SISTER.
( laughing )
IT'S LAUGHABLE, RIGHT?
( laughing softly )
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING?
YOU SHOULD BE LAUGHING.
LAUGH, DAMMIT!
MEL, WHEN I WAS REALLY LITTLE,
I WALKED IN ON MY MOM AND YOUR DAD...
WHOA, YOU SAW THEM?
AND YOU STILL INVITED ME BACK TO YOUR PLA...
HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN "STAR WARS"?!
NO, THEY WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING.
I WALKED IN ON THEM IN THE KITCHEN.
IT WAS JUST A LOOK, LIKE I'D INTERRUPTED SOMETHING.
AFTER THAT, I NEVER THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT IT.
UNTIL NOW. YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE?
NO, IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE.
MY GOD, YOU HAVE MY EYES!
I THINK WE NEED TO DO A D.N.A. TEST.
WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
( ringing )
AREN'T YOU GONNA ANSWER THAT?
NO.
WHY NOT? WHO IS IT?
THE SOULS OF THOUSANDS OF UNDERPAID,
OVERWORKED CHINESE LABORERS.
HOW'D THEY GET YOUR NUMBER?
THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE CONDOMS
THAT BOUGHT THE ADS THAT PAID FOR MY PHONE
IS VERY VERY BAD,
BUT THE PHONE ITSELF IS VERY VERY GOOD.
SO YOUR PLAN IS TO KEEP THE PHONE,
BUT NEVER EVER ANSWER IT?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I DON'T HAVE IT ALL WORKED OUT.
YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU TO DO
IS TO GIVE UP THE PHONE.
BUT WHERE AM I EVER GONNA GET ANOTHER ONE THIS COOL?
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
IT'S ONLY A YEAR OLDER AND HAS MOST OF THE SAME FEATURES.
BUT WITHOUT THE GUILT.
BUT THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR A PHONE?
OH, I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
AWESOME! THANKS, AUNT MEL.
UPGRADE!
BILL, BILL,
BILL...
D.N.A. TEST RESULTS.
- GIVE ME THAT! - BILL...
AREN'T YOU GONNA OPEN THAT?
OH, I PROMISED AUSTIN WE'D OPEN IT TOGETHER.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME HOLD ON TO IT.
THEN THAT WAY YOU WON'T BE TEMPTED.
- GOOD IDEA. - ALL RIGHT.
- HEY! - WHAT?
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT PROMISED AUSTIN.
I DIDN'T PROMISE JACK.
WOW.
OKAY.
THERE IT IS.
OH, MY. NOW WE KNOW.
I MEAN, NOW I KNOW.
( exhaling ) WOW.
I GOT CLOTHES IN THE DRYER.
HUH? JOE!
COME ON, YOU GOTTA TELL ME.
I MEAN, THIS ISN'T JUST ANOTHER GUY I MET;
THIS COULD BE SOMETHING.
YOU AND AUSTIN ARE NOT BROTHER AND SISTER.
THERE'S NO MATCH.
OHH! YES.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW AUSTIN
AND PRETEND LIKE I DIDN'T SEE IT.
OOH!
HERE'S MY "SURPRISE" FACE.
( gasps )
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IF HE NOTICES THAT YOU ALREADY OPENED UP THE ENVELOPE?
OH, WELL, THEN I DO THIS ONE.
OH, NOW THERE'S NOTHING KEEPING US APART.
ISN'T THIS GREAT?
YUP.
( flatly ) IT'S AWESOME.
- THIS IS GREAT NEWS. - YEAH.
SO WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
YEAH.
WAIT WAIT. ( sighs )
IS THIS TOO WEIRD?
UP UNTIL KINDERGARTEN, WE TOOK BATHS TOGETHER.
YOU WERE LIKE THE BROTHER I NEVER HAD.
ARE WE REALLY GONNA KISS?
YOU KNOW, WITH TONGUE?
THAT WAS THE PLAN.
( chuckles )
WHAT IF IT'S... ( sighs )
YOU KNOW?
WEIRD? GROSS?
WAY TO SELL IT.
MEL, IT MIGHT BE ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.
- WELL? - AGAIN?!
SURE!